Q: I am thinking of proposing to my girlfriend of 14 months. We both share the Catholic faith, yet slightly differently. She was raised in a Catholic/Protestant home, while I was raised in an all-Catholic one. She has many questions about the Catholic faith. Regarding the Eucharist, she is not sure if sure if she believes in the Real Presence, yet she is open to this. We also have quite a few differing opinions, such as modesty in clothes. This last one has been quite huge for us for a long time. We differ here in regard to things such as bikinis and blouses. She doesn’t mind if people notice her body as long as it is accentuated in a way that she feels is tasteful (we disagree on what is tasteful) and they don’t lust after her. I think that men are going to objectify her regardless of her good intent. Along with this, she has a “less is OK” attitude toward going to
confession. We have different definitions of living our faiths to the utmost degree. Still, we complement each other in the right ways, such as my striving for justice and her for mercy and love. She is the sweetest person I have ever met, and she has a very motherly instinct. The underlying problem I feel lies in her thinking that something is right or permissible, when I think it is wrong or even sinful. How should I proceed? Would a marriage with her be fruitful or unhealthy? Thank you. — W.

Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC:

It’s good that you and your girlfriend are speaking openly about your beliefs and opinions. Communication is a big part of discerning whether you are compatible and likely to have a happy marriage.

One sign of a healthy relationship is that the partners can correct and encourage each other to do better.

Now, each relationship is unique. The chemistry between a man and a woman can be mysterious. There is no way to say with certainty what kind of marriage you would have.

That said, it might be good to ask yourself a few things.

Do you see progress in her that will satisfy your concerns? Is she open to dressing more modestly? And if not, would you be comfortable with the example she might someday give your daughters?

Could you see her helping your children to grow solidly in the faith? You mention her shaky belief in the real presence of Christ in the Eucharist. This is no small thing.

Then there is her, shall we say, naïve hope that her immodest dress won’t trigger lustful thoughts in others; this shows a weak moral formation.

These are issues you don’t want to gloss over too quickly. While a sweet disposition is a factor in her favor, it’s no substitute for a serious living of the faith.

It might be worthwhile for you and your friend to study the faith together. Think of reading the Youth Catechism together or watching Father Mike Schmitz’s “Catechism in a Year” series.

In the meantime, intensify your prayers for her. And think of offering up sacrifices (cool showers, moderate fasting, etc.).

If you see progress, that’s good. Be aware, too, that faith is also a gift, and that you shouldn’t always expect her to be at the same spot as you.

Above all, cultivate your own relationship with Jesus. Your good example could help your girlfriend connect better with Our Lord.