Q: Why is everything a test? It feels as though living for Christ is denying my autonomy, my individuality, because I have to constantly deny my desires. When I begin to be more consistent with reading my Bible, praying, going to Mass and confession, etc., it feels as though I’m attacked by all of those seemingly natural tendencies ten times over. Being constantly tested is so draining, and I’m tired. In my experience, turning to God brings more chaos, not peace. What am I doing wrong? — Sara
Answered by Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC:
That you are trying to be more consistent in your acts of piety is a good sign. It shows you are trying to grow in your faith.
That you feel increasingly tested is not a surprise.
It’s not unusual that at the precise moment we try to live our faith better, the devil does his utmost to get us distracted or discouraged. Even Jesus was tempted at a time of intense prayer and fasting; recall his desert days (Matthew 4:1-11).
You are reading the Bible and going to Mass and confession more often because you want to grow in holiness, yes?
Well, God knows your desire — which is why he might be allowing you to be tempted.
That sounds paradoxical, but it’s the way God often works. He wants to purify you, and that means he wants you to rely on him more intensely.
He wants you to feel your limitations in the face of temptation, not to discourage you but to get you to realize how much you need to rely on him.
What this means in practice is this: Don’t get discouraged by the temptations. Double down on your prayer life and sacramental life. If it’s hard, that means you are making progress.
Why? Because to double down means that you are bringing more of your will to the fore. You are making a stronger commitment to prayer and the sacraments. You are doing it because they are the right thing to do, not because they always bring warm, fuzzy feelings.
Without knowing more about your specific situation, I’d urge you to stay the course. It might help to find a solid, regular confessor to guide you.
Living for Christ will make you a better person. You won’t lose your individuality; in fact, by following Jesus you will more become more fully the person you were meant to be.
God gives you an intellect so that you can seek the truth, and a free will so that you can love.
Uniting your heart and mind with Jesus will help you live life to the full. For he said, “I came so that they might have life and have it more abundantly” (John 10:10).
If all this sounds too abstract, think of the Blessed Virgin Mary. She suffered a lot because of Jesus, all the way to Calvary. Yet God loved her above every other human person.
Love and pain go together. It’s part of the mystery of the cross.
It would be good to speak with your pastor or a wise spiritual guide to help you get some clarity on the specific challenges you are facing.
Count on my prayers.